Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries can be intimidating and it can feel easier to accept current patterns than advocating for yourself. It is also common to struggle with people pleasing which can result in you feeling extreme discomfort with saying “no” and sacrificing your own needs. Having no boundaries can take a toll on your well-being and also result in unhealthy dynamics with others. When we practice setting healthy boundaries, we are honoring our own wants and needs to create a clear guideline of how we would like to be treated.
The first part of setting boundaries can start with reflecting and defining your limits. Think about areas of your life that cause you stress, make you feel uncomfortable or mentally or physically exhausted. In addition, you can identify your personal values and ask yourself if the relationships you have with others align with them. Another tool that can be helpful is to look at the healthy boundaries you already have and use that as a guide with others. For example, if you have healthy boundaries with your partner you can practice utilizing similar strategies with coworkers, friends and family members.
After identifying these areas, start practicing communication skills to support your feelings. Using “I feel” statements is a good place to start. I-statements should be clear and aren’t meant to place blame or make the other person feel guilty. When practicing them, it can be helpful to be mindful of your tone and word choice. The goal is to express your feelings while coming up with a reasonable solution with the other person.
Example:
I feel _______ when ________ because ________.
Another communication strategy to practice is saying “no.” If you struggle with expressing this in situations that make you feel uncomfortable, you can come up with a few statements to have readily available.
Examples:
“Unfortunately, that is not going to work for me.”
“I wish I could but…”
“Thank you for thinking of me but I’m unable to…”
One last strategy to practice is to avoid over-apologizing when setting boundaries. There are times when apologies are warranted but apologizing for things you do not want or plan on doing can make you feel worse. It can also lessen the meaning of apologies and what you are trying to communicate to others.
Setting boundaries is hard and they can look different for everyone. Although it can cause discomfort, there is a way to practice them without upsetting the people you care about. Over time, having boundaries will support your well-being and help you prioritize your own needs.
Please note: This blog post is intended for educational purposes and is meant to complement mental health services. It is not a substitute for therapy.