How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser
Most of us want to make others happy. Although this is a positive quality to have, overextending yourself in relationships can take a toll on your mental health and lead to people-pleasing. These behaviors can stem from a strong desire to seek approval and validation from others, often at the expense of your own needs, values, and well-being. If you’re a people-pleaser, you might go to great lengths to make others happy, avoid conflict, and seek constant approval, even if it means sacrificing your own happiness. With practice, you can break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and reclaim your autonomy.
SIGNS OF PEOPLE-PLEASING
Sometimes, our behaviors become so ingrained that it’s hard to recognize if they qualify as people-pleasing. Recognizing these patterns can be the first step of improving your boundaries and your relationship with yourself and others.
Some common signs of people-pleasing can include:
Difficulty saying “no”: You might find it difficult to say no to others, even if it is something that you don’t want to do or have the time for. Having difficulty setting boundaries can lead to overcommitment and burnout.
Over-apologizing: Feeling the need to apologize for something that might not be your fault is a common behavior of people-pleasing.
Avoiding confrontation: People-pleasers often go to great lengths to avoid conflict. You may agree with others even if you don't genuinely agree, simply to prevent disagreements or confrontations.
Neglecting personal needs: Prioritizing others needs over your own, even if it negatively impacts your well-being is a common sign of people-pleasing.
Difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries: Individuals who engage in people-pleasing may have difficulty setting and maintaining personal boundaries. People-pleasers tend to let others overstep their limits or avoid asserting themselves to avoid uncomfortable situations.
Excessive agreeability: If you often agree with others, even if you have a different opinion, it could be a sign of people-pleasing and wanting to maintain harmony over expressing your true thoughts.
Difficulty expressing opinions: People-pleasers tend to fear conflict and the potential negative consequences of expressing differing views.
POSSIBLE CAUSES OF PEOPLE-PLEASING
There are several reasons why individuals engage in people-pleasing behaviors. First, it could be rooted in early relationships where the person has a fear of being rejected or disliked. This can prompt someone to go to great lengths to please others, even if it means compromising their authenticity. Second, individuals may seek approval and validation from others to feel accepted and valued. This can lead them to sacrifice their own desires and values to gain acceptance from others. In addition, cultural, societal and gender norms can play a significant role in shaping people-pleasing behaviors. For example, certain cultures may emphasize the importance of harmony and avoiding confrontation, leading people to prioritize the needs of others. Additionally, women may find that they engage in more people-pleasing behaviors than men as women are more likely to take on caregiver roles. Lastly, individuals with low self-esteem may engage in people-pleasing as a way to compensate for feelings of inadequacy and to seek external validation for their self-worth.
HOW TO BREAK THE PEOPLE-PLEASING CYCLE
Breaking free from the people-pleasing requires commitment and practice. Here are some steps to guide you on the journey to overcoming people-pleasing:
Self-awareness: Start by recognizing and acknowledging your people-pleasing behaviors. Try to understand where it’s coming from and the impact it has on your life and well-being.
Reflect on your values: Identify your own values, priorities, and interests. Focus on what is important to you and ask yourself if your actions align with them.
Set boundaries: Learn to say "no" when necessary. Establish clear boundaries about what you are and are not comfortable doing.
Practice self-compassion: Remember that breaking the cycle is a gradual process. Be patient with yourself and celebrate small victories along the way
While people-pleasing may seem like a strategy to maintain peace and avoid conflict, it comes with its own set of consequences such as neglecting one's own needs, fostering resentment, and hindering personal growth. Developing healthy communication skills, setting boundaries, and building self-confidence can be essential in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies. With practice and time, you can improve your people-pleasing behaviors so that you’re able to embrace your true, authentic self.
RESOURCES
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab
STOP People Pleasing and Find Your Power by Hailey Magee
If you’re interested in starting therapy for concerns related to people-pleasing, I am here to answer any questions you might have to ease the process. You can reach me at (410) 936-4096 or via email: mandy@mindfultherapycollective.com.
Please note: This blog post is intended for educational purposes and is meant to complement mental health services. It is not a substitute for therapy.